Bureaucrat hatching monstrosities (allegory)

  Federal rules and regulations
No more laughter left on earth
Blue Oyster Cult, "Monsters"

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Pussification of the Brits

(Source: ChicagoNow.com)
Regulation-pushing bureaucrats hold as a self-evident truth that we're all too stupid to live without their supervision and that they know better what's good for us. Left unchecked,they would have us tied in government-approved cocoons from cradle to grave.

Think I exaggerate? Case in point, a process currently happening in England that I called the Pussification of the Brits.

I just read in a UK paper that at least three British counties have banned kids from wearing goggles during school swimming lessons from fear that the goggles will... wait for it... snap on a child's face.

Are you aghast yet? I am.

Oh, the kids will survive. Some of them will get chlorine-irritated eyes, and the worst cases will be able to get their goggles back on a medical certificate. That's not the point.

The point is that this is yet another step taken by busybodies to meddle in the most insignificant details of other people's lives. I mean, how many children did lose a limb from a feral pair of goggles snapping on them savagely? How does protection against this non-existing risk warrant attention from local governments when England's violent crime rate is shooting through the roof?
(Credits: Daily Mail)

This is not the first times that British wusses are overreacting at imaginary risks, either. After all, this is the country were outdoor kiddie pools are banned for fear that someone might trip on them, and where windows shouldn't be barred with wire mesh for fear that a burglar might hurt himself.

How on Earth could that happen? How did Brits end up being led by such a clique of meddling, overreaching bellyachers?

Brits, you'll remember, used to rule the world. Mostly, it was because anything was better than Mom's cooking. Better take a bullet in a God-forsaken land rather than sit through another serving of boiled lamb with mint, right?
British Character: Adaptability to Foreign Conditions
(Credits: Punch cartoon reprinted in Life, Dec 19, 1938)

Up-Helly-A Festival, Shetland Islands
(Credits: Sydney Morning Herald)

But it was also because Brits were mean and tough. After all, the country was populated by Vikings. But not just any Vikings, oh no. The settlers were these Vikings that were kicked out of Scandinavia for unnecessary roughness.

For instance, here is how Viking sailors were recruited. The screen gets all wavy (insert special effect here), and suddenly we are looking at a typical Viking port sometimes in the Middle Ages.

EXTERIOR, DAY. A small port. A drakkar is moored. Men are loading arms and provisions in the boat, under the watchful eyes of the Captain. A woman walks to the ship, a teenager in tow.

WOMAN: Good day, Captain. I heard you are hiring sailors to go loot England?
CAPTAIN: Yes, indeed. But you are a bit too old.
WOMAN: Not me, you herring-brain. That big oaf here is my third son. He's fifteen. He'll do a fine recruit.
CAPTAIN: What can he do?
WOMAN: Getting in trouble, mostly. Yesterday, he broke into the neighbors' house, raided their pantry, drained their akevitt keg, wrestled their pet polar bear, raped their Great Dane, and relieved himself in their best silverware.
CAPTAIN: Welcome on board, sonny.
TEENAGER: Whatever. When's dinner?
Up-Helly-A Festival, Shetland Islands
(Credits: Sydney Morning Herald)
That's exactly how it happened. I have the sworn testimony of the prow figure.

(Credits: Fingal Living History Society)
Ah, but wait, you say, England was made by its ruling class, which was mostly Norman. Fine, so let's talk about the Normans. When William of Normandy conquered England in 1066, he and his band of ruffians were the descendants of a bunch of Vikings who had cut themselves a Duchy out of the French Western coast. They thought that William was too unruly and too rowdy, and they heaved a collective sigh of relief when he led his rabble across the Channel. That's right, England's nobility was founded by Viking descendants that other Vikings thought were too violent!

That's why it's so amazing to see how the Brits have been neutered, broken, and chained by their rulers. It throws a new light on regulators. They are so insidious, so well-spoken, so full of good intents that they can reduce a bunch of ex-Vikings into the feeble wusses that populate England today.

Think about what they can do to other countries.
These are just sex toys. They are not mandatory yet.


  1. Wow, I had no idea my ancestors were so bad-ass

  2. Yup, they were. That's why it's so amazing their descendants let themselves be trampled by incompetent pen-pushers.

  3. They turned into a bunch of pussies after most of the real men were killed off in WW1 and WW2.